Back in late 2004 I was into my senior year of college, and reviews of the newly released sequel to the critically acclaimed Half-Life were off the charts as expected. After countless all-nighters studying tearing through HL2’s amazing scenery with easily one of the coolest video game weapons ever created – the gravity gun – I was at end game, and already looking ahead to Half-Life 3. That was 13 freaking years ago, and while Valve has teased us with some extremely well done “episodes” in the years to follow HL2, Half-Life 3 still hasn’t been released.
So since Casey and I like to keep the mood light around here, we decided to put our Half-Life 3 frustrations into humor format and come up with 26 improbable things that will happen before Half-Life 3 finally gets made – which let’s face it is probably never going to happen.
- MTV will finally go back to airing music videos.
- Someone legitimately beats Contra without using the Contra code.
- You’ll actually have a flight without a screaming baby next to you.
- The reality tv industry flatlines.
- Plumbers will become the biggest hardcore gaming segment once Nintendo releases an augmented reality, plumbing-based Super Mario.
- Chuck Norris actually loses a fight (except by now he’s learned how to time travel – only him – so he goes back, bringing Van Damme with him and well you can guess the end result on that one).
- SkyNet actually comes to be, but it’s more of an Initech-type company rather than an end-of-the-world organization.
- KOTOR 3 finally gets developed and released (let’s face it, KOTOR 3 is a long shot as well, but it’s got much better odds than HL3).
- President Trump challenges Kim Jong Un, Putin, and Janet Reno (too soon?) to a game of Goldeneye – slappers only – but Putin cheats and selects rocket launchers, Janet Reno is a no-show for obvious reasons, and Kim Jong Un refuses to play because he wanted to be Oddjob. With the match turning into a 1v1, Putin catches Trump out in the open in the Facility bathroom, but the muzzle of his rocket launcher gets caught on the bathroom stall door, taking them both down in a glorious international tie. Both sides claim they won, and then Putin invites Donald to his ranch in Siberia to shoot real rocket launchers and play Command & Conquer: Red Alert.
- We’ll discover that Elon Musk and many other prominent forward tech thinkers were correct in that we in fact are living in a Matrix-like simulation, sending the trench coat industry into exponential growth and propelling every gamer’s wardrobe to mimic JP from Grandma’s Boy.
- We’ll finally find out who shot first.
- Saturday Night Live will actually be funny again. Like as in 1990’s funny.
- Rick Moranis, Michael Cera, and Jim Gaffigan will all be casted as James Bond in future films, forcing epic collective face palms from Sean Connery, Pierce Brosnan, and Daniel Craig.
- We’ll finally make contact with aliens, but it will either be the aliens from The Simpsons or Futurama, which will probably mean that Matt Groening is an alien himself OR he was secretly trying to warn the world of an impending cartoon alien invasion through his stellar TV shows, no pun intended.
- Nintendo’s Virtual Boy console will make a serious comeback forcing Nintendo to manufacture a Virtual Boy 2, which eye doctors around the world will gloriously celebrate since the next generation of children will most obviously be blinded for life.
- The next expansion of WoW is so filled with PvE content that the bonus gift for pre-ordering the expansion is a college kid who shows up at your door to play for you while you’re at work.
- Apple releases the next-gen laptop that has no ports, no keyboard, and no screen. It still sells out in the first 5 minutes.
- The polar ice caps melt and Maine becomes the new Spring Break location.
- Michael Bay buys the rights to J.K. Rowling’s post-Hogwarts Harry Potter scripts. He mashes all of them into a 2 hour and 45 minute long explosion scene *cough* movie *cough*. The first scene fades in from black, Harry’s glasses askew, scar searing, staring down an evaporating Lord Voldemort. He mouths the words, “Not today, Voldemort.” The scene fades to black. Then a voiceover hits: “Little did Harry know, Voldemort can’t die.” The next scene has an even more snake-like Voldemort flying through London with the entire UK army facing him. A tank fires its shell. A gigantic snake swipes and kills an entire ground squadron. Optimus Prime returns from whatever planet he was hiding out in. Bruce Willis, wearing a space suit, hijacks a space shuttle nearby. Will Smith and Martin Lawrence (yes – he’s still alive!) show up listening to Nelly and P. Diddy. Then the screen fades to black. The words, “This time” appear, then fade out. Then the words, “it’s personal.” appear. Nobody knows what the hell any of it means, and then explosions sound in the background.
- You buy a pack of gum and actually chew every piece, throughout the week, without losing the pack or having anyone ask you for a piece of gum.
- A third NFL team moves to LA.
- You go an office party, and you actually have fun. Your sense of humor lightens the mood, and on the following Monday you have earned more respect when walking in.
- Marijuana is legalized in 49 of 50 states. Unfortunately, so many people were high in Vermont on the day of their referendum that they forgot to vote. In a not-so-stunning correlation, Funyuns make a huge comeback.
- Dodge comes out with a RAM 350,000 series that is as big as airplane. It is used to deliver new airplanes and annoy the hell out of neighbors who just want a view of their neighborhood.
- The legal drinking age is lowered to 18; American citizens feel that if you can serve in the Army, you should be able to drink. The US then lowers the age requirement to serve in the Army to 11.
- An American female senator is photographed chugging a beer at a fundraiser. Later on, the senator is asked, on live air, if she should apologize for that behavior. She responds, “You’d be chugging a beer too if you beat Super Mario Bros. in under 7 minutes without hacking.” By the time she retires, in 2036, she had every gamer vote on record.
It’s hard to pick a favorite, isn’t it? If you’re looking for more Half-Life 3 reads beware of what’s floating out there in the Google Machine (wait, fake news actually exists?), there is an excellent read from last Fall over at PC Mag by Andy Chalk – definitely worth the read – as it covers the entire list of Half-Life 3 rumors, hoaxes, and leaks over the last decade all in once place.
Oh, and what would an LFG blog post be without a seamless plug to create a profile? If you haven’t registered at LFGdating then you’re wrong – we’ve been live since our beta in 2012, and unlike Valve we will continue to roll out new features and updates – our new iOS app is almost done as well, so stay tuned!